One thing that’s really important to me in the work that I do is walking my own talk. In writing my book 52 Ways to Life a Kick-Ass Life, some of the chapters were easier to write than others. The three chapters/topics that are still sometimes hard for me in my life are: Control, perfectionism, and comparison.

Check out the podcast to hear how I deal with those three things! For each topic I give one tool on how to help the behaviors.

And I’d LOVE to hear from you…What can you relate to in these 3 topics I talked about? Control, perfectionism, and comparison?

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Show note(remember these are just notes! Much more in the podcast!):

We live in a world of scarcity. Not enough money, enough shoes, not enough stuff, not enough time.

And often times we think WE’RE not enough. We’re not thin enough, successful enough, productive enough, we don’t know what our passion is, life’s passing us by…

The point is: We focus on what we DON’T have.

Or, we complain. This person sucks and isn’t doing it right, our husbands don’t listen to us, we have too many bills, the weeds are too many on our lawn, our kids won’t stop fighting.

The point here is: We focus on what we DON’T want.

The Law of Attraction states the energy we focus on creates a vibration or frequency. That vibe or frequency will come back to us.

So, what if we can change what comes into our lives?

The answer here is to focus on what you DO want and what you DO have rather than what you don’t.

And even if you don’t believe in the LoA, trust me when I tell you focusing on what I just mentioned makes you FEEL way better than the opposite. No one is forcing you to focus on what you’re focusing on, you’re just used to it.

Some examples of what you might be focusing on that are making you feel bad are:
Bills/Money
Partners (all the stuff they do wrong)
Your body

How to help yourself:

One day at a time here. Shift when you know it’s happening. Change your thoughts to think about what you DO want. Whether you think about what you want right now…or go into future goals, dreams and aspirations. (I do this). It’s the fastest way to stop complaining in your head.

Shift to gratitude!

Conscious complaining. AKA “shitting glitter”. AKA venting. Getting it out for the sake of just getting it out.

Question for YOU: What are you committing to in regards to changing their focus?

Leave your answer in the comments!

As I mentioned in the podcast, The Master’s Course is open for registration

and HALF OFF only for a few more days!

Right click to download the .mp3.

I start with some notes I took from Wikipedia and what Wiki says about beliefs:

• We tend to internalise the beliefs of the people around us during childhood. Most individuals believe the religion they were taught in childhood.
• Advertising can form or change beliefs through repetition, shock, and association with images of sex, love, beauty, and other strong imagery.

My definition is simple: A thought happens, maybe it came from advertising, childhood, past relationship, or current relationship. That thought happens over and over again = belief.

I think beliefs get reinforced in two ways:

1) Finding evidence. Thoughts create feelings, which create actions, which many times will show us evidence of the original thought. An example might be: Thought- “My husband doesn’t understand me”. Feeling- Frustrated, sad, resentful, closed off. Action- Not open to communication, saying negative things about her husband to her friends, being closed off from him. The evidence is going to show her that he doesn’t understand her because of the action she took. Make sense?

2) Repeating the belief to ourself in the form of negative thinking/self talk.

BIGGEST beliefs that hold us back:

1) I’m not worth it

2) I can’t do it

3) I’m not good enough

4) What if…

Helping it/What to do:

• Don’t feel like you can erase or erradicate all beliefs that hold you back. Don’t have to go from A to Z. Just from A to B.
• If it helps, think about where your beliefs come from. Not a place to point fingers/blame and shame, but it might be eye opening to see that they aren’t based on TRUTH, but on someone else’s opinions and judgements.
• Bite sized chunks! The biggest piece of advice I want to leave you with is to simply be aware of the beliefs that aren’t serving you.

Right click to download the .mp3.

Here’s what’s happenin’ in episode 001:

• What you can expect from each podcast, how often, and when.
• Some personal stuff about what’s going on in my life, which includes my troubles shaving my armpits lately.
• Next up I talk about what living a kick-ass life means. I first go into the whole term of “living life on your terms”. That’s a term that gets thrown around a lot, don’t ya think? So, what does that even mean? I break it down to three things:
  • Your Values. What are they? Are you honoring them or are they forgotten?
  • Surrounding yourself with people that bring you joy and bring out your BIG ness.
  • Standing up for what you believe in and honoring your passions.
• I end with talking about the three BIG enchiladas of the inner-work. All of my podcasts will talk about inner-work and I’ll go into more detail with each, and in this podcast I mention:
  • Self talk: What’s happening with the conversation you have goin’ on in your noggin?
  • Feeling your feelings instead of numbing them.
  • Unconditional self love. Not whenever you do this, that, and the other. Loving yourself ALL the time.

And if this episode resonated with you I’d love for you to use those handy-dandy share buttons and share away!

Got an idea for future podcast topics? Email us at support@yourkickasslife.com.

Right click to download the .mp3.

In Aug 2010 my mom’s boyfriend died at 64. They had been on/off for years, always seemed to have missed connections in a long distance relationship and had decided to give it a go, one more time. Right before he was getting ready to make the move, he ended up in the hospital with stomach pain. A massive, non-operatable tumor was discovered, and instead of embarking on an epic adventure, he was admitted to hospice. I’d know him for 20 years; there were many stories in our family history connected to his name. When he was dying he shared his regrets; his sadness at so many, many missed opportunities in life.

I finally got it – the switch was on and light bulb was lit. It became paramount to start figuring out what the hell I was doing with my life. There was no way I wanted to wake up one morning, age 50, hating my job and berating myself for taking a management position I knew I should’t have!

But making the move from think, wish, and hope into do, act, and create isn’t easy and had me quaking in my proverbial boots. A state I was reminded of when I recently had a reader asked me how I got so brave. It stopped me dead in my tracks because…

I’m not brave.

“What the heck is she talking about? I’m not brave,” I thought to myself. People think I have it all figured out. Apparently, I’ve been told, I intimidate people with my confidence…

With the switch in the “on” position and the light bulb lit, I didn’t just pop down to the local supermarket and picked up a can of Bravery on aisle 3.  I didn’t wake up this morning thinking “Damn, I’m gonna dominate today!”

No, mostly I Fail Towards Mastery. This cornerstone, Failing Towards Mastery, is one of my a guiding principles. It gets me up out bed in the morning and sometimes kicks my ass. Most days I kick it right back, but some times I lie on the floor whimpering…not brave at all.

And the more I thought about it and wondered how to respond to her email, the more I realize I didn’t get brave because…I’m becoming brave….It’s not a done deal. It’s a process, a journey and I don’t think I ever want it to end.

This is where Failing Towards Mastery comes in. The only way to get unstuck is to start. Start writing, start moving, start believing, start doing. I started pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone and taking action. I had no idea what to do besides feeling fearful, confused, and wandering around in circles….So I started trying stuff out…I got certified to teach journaling classes – 2 people came to my class. I went through yoga teacher training so I could become a Yoga As Muse™ facilitator – 2 people came to my class. Are you getting the picture here….?

It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you do something. Trust me, I was not feeling the least bit brave, more of a scared ninny, when I started trying on ideas, roles, and possibilities. And truthfully, you can still occasionally find me wandering around in circles. Usually when that happens I’ve let my Inner Critic get behind the drivers seat, and besides being a crap driver, he gets on the intercom and starts broadcasting my fear story. Whamo! – that nasty bit of work has boondoggled me into believing him and I’m wandering around, dazed and confused, when I remember…

I push the barriers of my comfort zone and work at becoming brave because of the loved ones who don’t get this chance anymore. I remind myself believing the Inner Critic is a momentary lapse of judgement and I get to choose what I let in. On a bad day, when I whimper on the floor as my ass gets kicked, I still come up fighting, tenacious as a two year old in the quest for why, remembering this is just another step as I Fail Towards Mastery…

This is Heidi Johnson….

She is a CTI trained coach working towards certification while she practices the fine art of Failing Towards Mastery and duct taping her Inner Critic’s mouth shut….

During her certification process she’s offering deeply discounted coaching – to get things started sign up for a free 30 min Conversation Starter at inkwellinsight@gmail.com. When she’s not bamboozled into wandering around in circles, you can find her rocking the hula hoop, eating waffles, and laughing with her husband.

I’m so excited to bring Debbie back as s guest poster on YKAL. Debbie breathed life into my book proposal and I am deeply grateful for her help in getting me my publishing deal! Enjoy…

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Have you ever felt the pull to pen a book? Maybe you’ve been to hell and back and you want to help other women avoid the mistakes you made. Maybe you have an area of expertise and expanding your reach through the writing of a book feels like the logical next step. Or maybe you can’t even pinpoint the exact reason why you want to write, but you just know it’s something you’ve got to do.

If you have the desire to write a book, you’re not alone — more than 80% of people want to write a book at some point in their lives. But the reality is, most of them don’t.

Why?

The reasons are many, but my hunch is, many would-be books get quashed before fingers even meet keyboard because of this little, but powerful, thought: Who am I to think I have a story worth telling? (Common variations include: No one will care about my book! and I don’t have anything interesting to say!)

But the real truth? No one else can write the book you would write. Not Stephen King, not Martha Beck, not Brene Brown. No one can write your book but YOU.

That’s because no one else sees the world through your lens. Your unique personal story, your life experience, your belief system, and the way you interpret life events and circumstances all combine to create a perspective that can’t be replicated. Not even by a New York Times bestselling author.

No one else writes the way you do. No puts language together in quite the same way, has the same exact tone, would choose that particular metaphor or turn of phrase to make a point.

No one else feels compelled to write the same exact book as you. Even if on the surface a topic seems similar, your personal “why,” the way you want to approach the subject matter, your plan for organizing your ideas, and the actual execution of the writing of the book is something only you could pull off.

So what? you may be thinking. No one else can write the same book as me, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth writing.

I beg to differ. Because your readers — your tribe — is out there (even if you haven’t connected with them yet). Just as you see the world in your own unique way, there are readers who will connect with you because of this very perspective. And these are the readers — however large or small a group they might be — who will be inspired, motivated, informed, and changed for the better by what you have to say.

And finally, if that’s not enough of a reason for why your book is worth writing, how about this one:

Your book worth writing for you. To fulfill that dream. To leave a legacy for your friends and family. To push yourself and challenge yourself and learn a ton about yourself along the way.

And that, to me, sounds like a story worth telling.

Debbie Reber is bestselling author, speaker, and life coach who helps writers, creative entrepreneurs, and teen girls do their thing with confidence. She is currently enrolling writers for her 12-week teleclass, Write Your Irresistible Book Proposal.

Find out more at:http://www.debbiereber.com/wyibp-2013/

Sometimes…it’s really, really, reeeeeally hard.

But, instead of saying that out loud, I told her some things I do to help my world stay in orbit as best I can.

Be aware of the comparison trap and don’t stay there.

It’s so easy to go online and see one-dementional views of other mothers. Take the picture below for an example. Aren’t we cute all matchy-matchy and smiling? The truth is, just before taking this picture, my then 2 year-old daughter had shit her diaper and it smelled awful, and my husband and I had gotten into a tense conversation because I didn’t feel that he was as happy to take these family pictures as I wanted him to be. But, someone looks at this and thinks we’re perfect. And then looks at their own real life and might feel less than. When in reality—my life is real too…with shitty diapers and arguments with my hubs sometimes.

My point is, when you find yourself making up stories about people you see online or even meet in person, realize that you have NO IDEA what they’re life is really like. No one is perfect, no one has smooth sailing 100 percent of the time. Staying grateful for the awesomeness that you do have is an easy way to help this.

Just accept that some days aren’t fair, nor are they easy.

Dovetailing off the above point, one of my biggest comparison traps is comparing myself to my entrepreneur colleagues who don’t have children. Who can work whenever they want, as long as they want, don’t pay childcare, can take off with their husbands when they want, they don’t have smeared, crusty yogurt on their backs that they don’t even know about, and in my made-up world, they probably have unicorns as pets.

And yes, I chose this life. I chose to be a mother and an entrepreneur. I know I have unique challenges that other entrepreneurs don’t have. And sometimes it feels like it’s not fair. The truth is that I have two choices here:

1. Feel sorry for myself and resent my colleagues and my children. Or
2. Accept that this is how it is. It’s hard and challenging and yet so, so rewarding at the same time.

Ask for specific help.

I’ve come to the conclusion that is DOES take a village to make the whole system work. The reason I say “specific” is because sometimes—and I know this might sound like crazy talk—but we as women can tend to think people can read our minds. What I’ve learned over the last few years is that they can’t. (Bummer, I know). Before I climb up my husbands ass about how he’s not helping me enough and start throwing his shoes at him, I do my best to let him know I need his help and it looks like X, Y and Z. This is the same for my childcare provider and my assistant. Being realistic about how much I can do and being open and honest with them creates so much more peace than the alternative.

Accept that you will probably fall short somewhere on a regular basis.

Ahhh, this one can suck. How many times have I dropped my kids off at childcare and they breakdown and tell me, “Don’t gooooo, Mooooommmmy!” and my heart is ripped out and I feel like the absolute worst, most selfish mother on the planet.

And other times I’ve gotten so behind on email and just feel like I’m not doing enough for my YKAL audience. I haven’t blogged, I haven’t posted on social media and before I know it, I feel like my entire business is falling apart.

When the truth is, my kids are fine and still love me and no one has probably even noticed that I’m falling behind anywhere. And the thing is, guilt and motherhood go together like peanut butter and jelly, regardless if you’re an entrepreneur or not. The key word here is: Surrender.

Remember in the end- your kids will be proud of you.

When I started my business, my kids were 3 and 1. My heart told me that this business needed to be started. That what I was doing was so much more than “just a business”. I knew I was creating something big, that I was creating a movement. The timing was tricky, but in the end, I wanted to show my children from my example. I want them to see a woman who follows her dreams. I want them to see a woman, a mother, that follows her heart to serve the world. I want them to see their own mother rise to the challenges she faces, fall down, and get back up. I want to show them they can go after anything they want, regardless of naysayers.
I’d love to hear from you! Tell us how YOU keep from going crazy as a mother-entrepreneur or tell us the things you still struggle with.

My beautiful baby boy, 5 years old.

I’ve gone back and forth with whether or not to write about my son. As you all know, I’m no stranger to vulnerability. I have no problem writing about my own life and struggles in order to help others, but when it comes to my children, there is a different mama bear aspect thrown in of fierce protection of them.

But upon thinking about it, I realize that what I want to write about isn’t so much about him, it’s about me. And so here it is.

My son has Asperger’s Disorder.

He’s my only son, my first born.

I can finally say it out loud now without my voice catching in my throat. It all started months ago in November. My husband, his pre-school teacher and myself had been wondering what his behavior problems at pre-school were all about, after years of wondering why I felt like he was different, wondering if I was just crazy…we got a call from his pre-school teacher. We had been having regular conversations trying to work together to help my son. There was no pattern to his meltdowns and outbursts at school and we were both frustrated. I was standing at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes while I spoke with her. As I stood there telling her I didn’t know what to do anymore, a potato in one hand and the peeler in the other, she said, “Andrea…I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a couple of weeks now. I think Colton’s behavior is symptomatic of Asperger’s Disorder and you should have him tested.”

I stopped peeling the potato and looked out the kitchen window in front of me. I don’t know how long I didn’t speak and I don’t remember who spoke next. My husband had just come home from work, the water was running, both my kids were running around playing and the TV was on. But, I didn’t hear any of it. A thousand thoughts flooded my head and I felt like time stopped and all I could hear were my thoughts.

There is no way in hell Colton has Asperger’s.
Oh my God. Not my baby.
What does this mean for him?
Will he be okay?
Nope, there’s just no way. We can fix it.

And mixed in all of that, I felt a strange sense of enormous relief. It all made sense. His intense focus, bordering on obsessions. His lack of eye contact. His love for rules and routine. His lack of empathy. His delayed motor skills. His lack of affection.

For the first time, I felt like there was a chance I wasn’t crazy when it came to my son. That my feeling like he was different might be validated.

Fast forward four months later and what seemed like an endless whirlwind of tests, it was confirmed that he’s on the spectrum.

It’s interesting when you are on the outside of a particular group of people and you wonder what it might be like for them. Like people that have lost a spouse. I always wonder what it’s like to suddenly find yourself asking for support from other people that have been there. To have always been an outsider to them and suddenly you are one of them. But, I could never imagine myself there. It was that way when I got sober. Never in a million years would I think that I would be reaching out to other people who identified with being a sober alcoholic. And here I am. It’s the same with this. As I find myself researching and speaking to people with children on the spectrum, it’s still a bit surreal.

Now let me pause for just a moment to tell you something you might be thinking that I know to be true: I know my son will be okay. I know that we, the Owen family, will be okay. I know he is still Colton, and he’s still the same son I’ve always had, and in my opinion, I really think that ASD really isn’t a “disorder” at all. My son processes information differently that most of us. That’s it.

But, what I wanted to say in this post is that even after knowing all of that, what I hadn’t expected was the element of grief.

Grief for the picture of what I thought he would be will actually be different.
Grief for what I expected mothering him would be will actually be different.
Grief in general that things will just be different than I expected them to be.

And I know that what he’ll bring us as a child with ASD will probably be better than I ever imagined. It already is.

And there is a big part of me that hesitates to write about the grief because I’ve already been told not to feel that way. And I’ve been told to not be sad because it could be worse.

But here’s the thing…I’m done being told how to feel. And I’m done telling other people how they should feel. If I’m sad that my kid has this diagnosis, then I’m sad. I know it will pass. But, right now, I’m not wrong for feeling this way.

The truth is: I worry about him. I worry that he’ll get made fun of, I worry that he’ll freak out on another kid because they don’t want to play the game like he does, I worry that other kids will think he’s weird and he’ll have no friends and have to eat alone at school. I worry that my marriage will face hard times because of this. I worry that my daughter will not get the attention she needs sometimes because her brother needs special attention.

I worry because I’m a mom. I think it’s just what we do. I’m just a human being that loves her son that happens to have Asperger’s Disorder. And sometimes it’s hard. And sometimes it’s not. In the end, we all just want the same thing for our kids: For them to be happy and loved and safe. And all I know for sure to be true is what’s happening right now. And wishing I felt a different way, or feeling wrong for the way I feel does me no good at all.

So, if you’re reading this, and this is you…I hope you know that wherever you are is just fine. Even if it hurts. Even if it sucks. Even if you’re scared.