My stomach lurches as I begin this post. I considered not going public with this, but that damn intuition of mine had other ideas.
There’s a part of me that wants to make this post bright and cheery somehow, but I’d be lying to you and me if I did that. I’d like to preface my story with this: I know there are so many more women like me. So, I chose to go public with my story because of that. There is a part of me that has massive amounts of shame around this, but coming clean helps heal. And if only one woman gets sober on account of reading my story, then all the shame is worth it.
*****************************************
Hi, my name is Andrea and I’m an alcoholic.
Yep. Me.
If you’re anything like me, when you hear the word “alcoholic”, you get that vision of the homeless man in the gutter, drinking from a paper bag, or maybe the leathery skinned, worn-out woman at the bar, falling off the barstool, or any other pathetic image you conjure up. Not often do you picture a successful, white life coach, living a great life in the suburbs. And that story is a big part of what kept me drinking.
I’ll start by backing up. My battle started in my late teens with love addiction. When I was 25 my struggle grew into an eating disorder, and thankfully I got help and healed from those when I was 31. It wasn’t until years later that I realized and admitted the eating disorder was bad enough that it could have killed me. To add fuel to the fire, when I was 26 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder, which at that time, was being helped with medication.
Throughout my 20’s, in terms of drinking alcohol, I was a “normal” girl . I drank socially just like all my friends, but could always put down the bottle without a fight. Sure, there were episodes where I made bad decisions (does anyone make good decisions drinking?) and had some embarrassing moments, but nothing so humiliating to write about. Looking back, I believe I didn’t need to rely on drinking then to cope, because I had my eating disorder to fall back on, as well as an addictive relationship with my ex-husband.
Upon recovering from the eating disorder and love addiction, I skipped along into my new life with new tools and thoughts to cope without turning to a relationship, a man, or my eating disorder.
When those two things ended, I was so proud and happy. I was convinced I was finally “mentally stable”. But, little did I know, my alcoholism took its place. Quietly, it snuck in like a lethal, poisonous gas that I couldn’t see. I had really no problem quitting drinking when I was pregnant, but after the birth of my second child in 2009 is when my drinking picked up serious speed and momentum.
I found myself drinking nearly every day. And the days that I didn’t, it was to prove to myself that I didn’t need to. See? I could skip a day. I’m okay. When attending social events my mind revolved around alcohol. I was constantly thinking about how full my drink was, if anyone noticed how much I was drinking, if I needed to cover up how drunk I was getting, how much more time I had to drink, and so on.
After about a year of this the whispers in my head started.
“Normal people probably don’t do this.”
“Do I need to cut back?”
“This probably isn’t good”
In December of 2010 I remember one evening finishing a bottle of wine in one evening by myself. Granted, I know there had been plenty of times I’d drank 4 + glasses of wine in one evening, but never by myself at home. On a weeknight. I was so ashamed and swore I would cut back. The next morning at the grocery store I proudly passed the wine aisle and didn’t buy any. By 4:00 that evening the anxiety had risen in me and quickly brought myself and my kids back to the grocery store to get a bottle. Because I deserved it. Because I had a long day. Because I would only have one glass while cooking dinner. I ended up drinking 3 glasses and was proud of myself for not drinking the whole bottle.
Soon after that, an entire bottle was pretty regular. I started hiding how much I was drinking from my husband, and pretty quickly the obsession started. This was a living hell. The more that I tried to not think about drinking and the feelings that surrounded it, the worse I felt. My first thoughts in the morning were guilt and shame about how much I drank the night before. Then the thoughts would move to planning on cutting back. Then thinking about what if I have a real problem. Then justifying my drinking. More guilt and shame. The afternoon would come and I would watch the clock waiting for an “appropriate” time to pour my first glass. The times were getting earlier and earlier. If I remember correctly, my earliest drink was 2:30 pm.
And the whispers got louder and more clear:
“Normal people don’t do this”
“Why can’t I stop thinking about this?”
“I think I have a problem”
I googled, “Am I an alcoholic?” I hoped Google and the internets would magically pop up a “YES!” or “NO!” on the screen instead of a bunch of links. I kept reading, “Only you know if you have a problem” and I wanted to scream. Mostly because I DID know I had a problem. However….. I was paralyzed with fear to quit drinking. I could not imagine my life without alcohol in it. I mean, I LOVE alcohol. I’m good at drinking. And, at the same time, there was a large part of me that was convinced there was NO WAY I could be an alcoholic. I mean, have you seen the show “Intervention”? Did you see the episode of Oprah where the mom was hiding bottles of Chardonnay behind the kitchen trash and laundry room? That wasn’t me! That’s an alcoholic, right? And I JUDGED those women! But the whisper in my head politely tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me that those women were once where I was at that moment. They didn’t just wake up one day and start hiding booze. But, I kept justifying my drinking. I was never drunk when I drank at home alone. I never drove, I never lost control with my kids, I never yelled. We had a house in the suburbs, 2 cars, 2 kids and my marriage was actually pretty good.
And no one knew. No confrontations, no raised eyebrows. But, the hiding was becoming a full-time job. And one that I didn’t want anymore. So, if no one knew, and I was doing a good job of controlling it (or so I convinced myself), then I didn’t have to quit. Right? I mean I didn’t have a “rock bottom” that we always hear about. My life was great. All I did was drink too much. No DUI’s. No arrests. No tragic story whatsoever.
So what changed?
Well, I did some research. Not the college term paper kind, but just read blogs of women in recovery, and talked to some girlfriends who had gotten sober.
Here was my turning point: I admitted that what was happening to me was happening fast. And it was out of my control. My drinking wasn’t yet out of control, but this progression was. There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says, “If we don’t change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.” And I knew exactly where I was headed. My intuition, the whispers, were speaking more loudly at this point. I could. Not. Lie. Anymore to myself. I felt like such a hypocrite writing and telling people how to live their best life. Their “kick-ass” life for Christ’s sake. And I was lying to myself every day. And numbing the pain with alcohol.
I knew I had 2 choices: Keep drinking and see what would happen. Or, quit drinking and see what happened. I was pretty sure I was an alcoholic, and true alcoholics don’t get better if we keep drinking (no matter how desperately we try). We just get worse. I was more terrified to see what would happen if I kept drinking, than to try sobriety. That was all I needed to realize to reach out and try sobriety.
And so I quit.
And it hasn’t all been easy. Some days are, and some aren’t. As time has gone on, the days are easier and now I can’t imagine my life if I had kept up the progression. But, I can’t think about the rest of my life without alcohol. I just can’t. Every day I make a decision and commitment to stay sober that day. Just that day. I’m human, I’m an alcoholic and that’s all I can do.
Today, September 27th, 2012 I have one year of sobriety.
If you can relate to my story and think you may have a problem, feel free to reach out to me. I will personally respond to each email. My personal email is andreamarieowen (at) gmail (dot) com.
You are a beautiful and heart open soul. You are brave and honest and true to yourself. I can only imagine what your process must have been and the pain you endured to come out shining on the other side. I have the deepest amount of respect and admiration for you. Love you tons.
-Bern
Thanks, Bern! I think the most pain was the moment I admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic…and the time it took to get sober, which was only a month or 2. Apparently, I have a low pain tolerance and didn’t stay there long.
My heart goes out to anyone suffering who really knows in their soul that they are an alcoholic, but their disease keeps them drinking. I hope that can find inspiration and hope through my story.
xo
Happy birthday AND happy anniversary! One of the reasons I have loved working with you as a life coach is how “real” you are and I’m not just talking to someone to whom life comes easy all the time, and who has not a problem in the world and can’t relate to my issues. It’s scary as hell to put yourself out there like that and wonder what will happen, and I’m proud of you for stepping up. And I’m sure your gremlin had a lot to say about that. Screw the gremlin and know that you are loved and appreciated and respected. If you can help one person with this post, your anxiety about it will have all been worth it. Thank you for always being authentic and an inspiration to me, and blessings to you as you continue on your journey, one day at a time.
SUE! You’re such a great client
This gremlin is a REAL bitch- lemme tell ya! Thank you so much for your sweet comment, your words have really touched me today!
xo
Amazing courage and authenticity. Thank you for sharing your story and Happy 1 year to you! <3
Happy Birthday!!! One Year is such a huge milestone!!! I am so proud of you what an inspirational story!!! Miss you!! XO
Dear andrea
i have been a big fan for many years
congratulations and thank u for this post
i have had an eating disorder for 10 years and have been in a sort of quasi recovery state for 5 where by i am not actively too underweight or using too many behavioours but still thin calorie counting etc
i am getting by
nobody really knows
i am surviving
but today i wrote a big letter to myself and the eating disorder that its over i am making a stand for my life i will never go back to the eating disorder as a oping mechjanism my sobriety my freedom begins not \”90% not half assed but absolutely no compromise no limits
and then i read ur post
1 day at a time this time next year will be ur 2nd year and my 1st year and we will toast together
happy birthday and thank u
Hi Triona,
Thank you for your heartfelt comment. I wish you all the best in your recovery! One day at a time for sure. xo
You are an inspiration! You kick ass! You are soooooo modeling what living a kick ass life is ALL about –
growth and inspiring others
doing everything you can every day to live full-out
being humbled by your humanity
and finding a sobering respect and an insatiable enthusiasm for the utter preciousness of this life.
You rock! Thank you for inspiring ME…this post touched me deeply.
Love, Ana
Ana! Love this comment, girl! Keep rockin’- I’m so happy the Universe had our paths cross! xoxo
Congrats on your 1yr of sobriety and may it continue for the rest of your life. Kudos to you for opening yourself up and sharing your journey. Many blessings. Keep on kickin’ ass!!
Congrats on your 1 year anniversary! I have 2 1/2 years. Our stories are very very similar, but I did hit bottom with 2 DUIs within 2 months and 14 days in jail. That changed my life forever. I love being sober and I love sharing my story. I find it very important to my recovery and maybe I can reach another female who is also struggling. Way to go! One day at a time!
HI regina!
Yes, I think our stories can be of service to other women! The stigma of alcoholism is still as strong as ever, and in my opinion especially with females. And yes, one day at a time! xo
Andrea
Happy 1 year mark!
Being real like this is brave, raw, real, and most of all, beautiful <3
Thank you, Kate. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Congratulations and thank you for being such a great role model in honesty and authenticity. Telling the world will help so many others. Bravo! Oriah
I love the vulnerability you display by posting. Congrats on your one year anniversary. As I read your post, I imagine the ways I cope and the stories I tell myself about how I have grown past this or that way of being. I think it’s a good reminder to me that sometimes we exchange one way of coping for another. Sometimes a more healthy way but still in the end it’s coping and not fully living.
My addictions are all about control. Wanting to have life show up exactly how I want it to show up and feel only what I want to feel. Thanks for the lesson to face my addictions head on.
HI Ken!
One thing I’ve learned in recovery is surrender. And take it from an over-achieving perfectionist, that was something I went kicking and screaming into. Surrendering felt weak to me, and I wanted to be anything but. However, what I realized is that surrender is actually courageous and self-loving.
xo
I admire your honesty. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a food addict. I wake up every morning feeling stressed about food. I feel guilty for everything I eat, no matter how healthy it is, no matter how hungry I am. Society doesn’t like overweight people. I hear that I am greedy, lazy and have no self control. I tell myself these things every day. Food is my comfort and my enemy. I wish I never got hungry and never had to eat again. I wish I could eat and there were no consequences. Addiction sucks ass!
Oh, Sara, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry you have this pain. Addiction does suck. The 12 steps helped me tremendously, and I hope they can help you. xoxo
Hmm,just wondering why I”liked” your page quite awhile ago,must of been the title,or maybe I’d find the answers to living a better life. I’ve seen a few posts here & there but haven’t really looked into to much,think that time is now. Congrats on your one year,been there many times and sometimes many years. I am most certain you have helped at least one person as that is the way the program works, by sharing our stories. So loved your story and want to dig deeper into what a life coach is. Congratulations again and that took a lot of courage . See you around!
Thank you, Karen
Thank you for sharing your humanity, bravery, vulnerability, and beauty. I have been married for 14 years to my awesome husband who has been sober for 16 years. Every March 10th, we sing “Happy Birthday” to him in our house (and sometimes eat cookie cake ; ) It is the greatest gift he has given to himself and our family. Lighting a candle for you in my mind today — make a wish, lady.
Thanks, Laura!
One thing that helped get me sober was my kids. They just turned 3 and 5 and I didn’t want them to grow up seeing me always have a glass of wine in my hand….every night. I wanted them to grow up in a house with no booze in it (my husband doesn’t drink). I wanted them to just not have to worry about it. But, in the end I knew I had to get sober for me first.
Congrats to you and your husband! xo
Andrea, you are a gem in a bunch of gems. Thank you for the courage to be straight with your sisters around the world. You’re inspiring and make it easier for all of us to be real too. I admire you for what you’re doing. xo
Thanks, Nadine! I admire YOUR work! Thanks for stopping by
xo
Thanks Andrea! Just watched your post confession video. Keep going, girl. You’re onto something!
You know I think you’re suck a rockstar. And your post just convinces me even more
Congratulations on your year anniversary and thank you for sharing your beautiful voice. It is a gift of inspiration to so many people!! XOXO
Dear Andrea..your post has touched my heart. I am recovering from a betrayal and divorce this year and I have struggled so much with this problem. I have been living with guilt from the divorce, guilt from the alcohol and sometimes I feel really low..You really encouraged me today. Thank You so much!..Tears on my keyboard right now..you’re a beautiful soul.
Thanks for your comment, Leighanne. I totally know what it’s like to have those feelings and for me, it was easier to cover them up with alcohol, rather than actually face them. Or, at least I thought it was easier, but it was actually making things worse.
I hope you find what you need to get some peace. xoxo
What a moving story. Congratulations!
Thank you for your beautiful and brave honesty.
Andrea,
Happy Birthday!
Way to go.
Patti
This is so brave and beautiful and amazing. And I’m TOTALLY chuckling to myself, because of course that was me on Oprah who was hiding the bottles behind the trash and in the laundry room.
I’m so grateful you are telling your story, because SO MANY (particularly women) suffer with drinking who are totally high functioning who don’t fit that stereotype of an alcoholic at all, but that doesn’t make the isolation, obsession and compulsion of drinking any easier for them. I always say it’s not how much you drink, or how often, it’s what it does to you that matters.
The internet, and brave women like you, are allowing people to see themselves in our stories and maybe plant a seed – that you can be smart, funny, compassionate, loving, successful, a good mother, a great friend, a talented co-worker and STILL be an alcoholic. I wish more people would tell stories like yours, because it would help so many more women stop before they take the elevator all the way down, like I did.
I’m so glad to get to know you, and your blog.
-xo from your sober sister
-Ellie @ One Crafty Mother
Ellie- YES, it WAS you on Oprah! hahahaha I didn’t put 2 and 2 together until I read your comment. AND…..I was probably drinking a glass of wine while I watched that episode!!
So happy to have connected with you and thanks for stopping by!
xoxo
Wow, Andrea, I just found your blog and this is one kick-ass post if I’ve ever seen one! You’ve really got chutzpah, courage, cojones, and all that other good stuff. Good on ya for telling your story and inspiring women all over the place.
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Hi Andrea,
I just found your blog today, and it is such a blessing to me and the issues that I am going through. I am realising also that I maybe an alcoholic and the fact that I am going through horrible heartbreak does not help the drinking at all. Thank you for your honesty . . . it has definitely helped to look into myself.
Hey Andrea, got your details on the Young & Raw, thank you for sharing your story, Im in the other camp, Lol, Ive been an Al-Anon member for nearly 20 yrs……..i’ve recently been reading Darlene Lancers blogg on codependency….very interesting xxx Keep coming back and congrats on one year xx
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