9 Confessions

Several months ago my friend and fellow blogger, Jenny Blake, wrote a post entitled, “On Not White-Lying by Omission: 12 Mini Confessions”.   Jenny talks about how personal development bloggers might have their readers think their life is glossy and perfect if they don’t sometimes talk about the struggles in their own lives.

I’m pretty sure if you’ve been reading my blog for  a while now, you know that my life isn’t full of unicorns farting rainbows. Yes, it’s amazing and a hell of a lot better than it was years ago, but let me tell you; I sometimes still battle my own shit.

So, like Jenny, I’ve decided to dedicate this post to telling you 9 things about me that make me imperfect. Some are funny/weird and some are bigger than others, but at the end of the day, isn’t it nice to know we’re all train wrecks in our own way?

So, here they are, in no particular order…

1. I still battle a fierce competitive nature and perfectionist beast within me. I want to do it all right now. And get an A+ and a crown. I don’t love that part of me, but I’ve stopped fighting her and learned to be her friend. That part of me makes me fierce and spunky.
2. In January of 2007 I started my coaching training, and after the first weekend I was paralyzed in fear. I knew this was my calling. I knew I loved it, and this is what I was meant to do. I also knew I had a lot to learn. That’s where the fear came in. After that weekend, I put the remaining training off for 14 months. Every couple of months I called and postponed until I finally admitted that it wasn’t my lame excuses, it was just that I was afraid. And after that, it wasn’t nearly as scary as I made it out to be.
3. I quit drinking in May because I realized and admitted I am an alcoholic. I still haven’t told my whole story here and I’m not sure why. But, it’s coming, I promise.  I did blog about it here several months ago.
4. Last year about a month after I got sober, many of my body image issues and disordered eating thoughts came back. No active symptoms, just thoughts. But, I still panicked. Luckily, I have amazing, smart and supportive friends (here and here) that I could call, who have been through the same thing. They assured me this was normal. Reminded me I wasn’t broken or crazy.
5. I don’t love being a stay-at-home-mom. In fact, there are days when I really hate it. I used to think it would be the best job ever, and I used to judge moms who chose to work over staying home. Now, I understand why. It was also really hard to let go of (some) guilt around this. But, I DO know it has nothing to do with the way I feel about my children. It’s the job I don’t like.
6. I’m writing a book and it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Why? Because it’s a childhood dream, and I’m terrified the whole process will blow up in my face. I know what sounds dramatic, but if it fails, it will feel catastrophic and devastating to me.
7. I’m 36 years old and I rarely make my bed. But, when I do, I really like it and pretend a maid came and did it. But, my gremlin tells me if anyone knew I didn’t make my bed I would be judged by EVERYONE and their mothers. Especially their mothers.
8. I am an extrovert by nature, but when I’m feeling really vulnerable and scared as a coping mechanism I introvert. I went through a period of time a few years back when I didn’t check my email for months, and rarely called anyone back. I’m surprised my picture didn’t end up on a milk carton. It’s dangerous for me.
9. I am a writer and I am TERRIBLE when it comes to using correct grammar. The thing is, if someone writes well (not “good”. See? I’m not that bad!)  they aren’t automatically a grammar queen. But, it really sucks questioning sentence structure, punctuation, present participles (I don’t even know what that is), and subject conjugations (again, no idea) when I write. I hire an editor for content in products I sell, but when it comes to this blog, I just write. About 80% of the time I don’t give a shit that it’s not perfect, but the other 20% when I see a typo went out to the world I want to crawl under the covers and die.

So, do you have any confessions you’d like to share? I promise it’s not so scary!